A Perfect Plan
by sinemoras09
Summary: In which various characters, outside of their control, end up getting hugged. CRACK. Sai x everyone ftw. Random!Itachi for the bonus win. Sasuke doesn't like getting hugs :x


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"I am going to hug you now," Sai said. Sakura stared at him.

"What?"

"Hugs," Sai said. "I read in my book that hugs make people feel happy."

"Uh, Sai-"

But before Sakura could say anything, Sai threw his arms around her, squeezing her tight.

"Sai!" Sakura said. "Sai I can't _breathe_!"

Sai decided he really liked giving hugs.

xXx

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The night before, Sai spent hours pouring over his favorite book, reading by candlelight and studying the pages. Sakura and Naruto were sleeping, and Yamato was leaning against a tree, eyes closed and breathing deeply. (Sai knew better, though: Yamato was ANBU, as Sai was, so he knew Yamato was only resting. But did people snore when they rested? Sai wasn't sure.)

They had spent the entire day looking for Sasuke; Sakura was near tears and Naruto had howled in despair, and the scene was entirely too disconcerting. "They're just upset," Kiba explained, but Sai didn't like the looks on his friends' faces. It was then he resolved to turn things around, if only to make things marginally better.

And so Sai poured through his little book, trying to find the answer.

People liked hugs. People got hugs when they were sad. Sai looked around and decided everyone was sad.

"I will give everyone hugs," Sai said.

It was a brilliant plan.

xXx

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"Oi! Sai! Knock it off!"

Kiba pulled himself from Sai's grip, pushing him away. "I don't need a hug, I'm _fine_! Stop it!"

"But Shino said you were depressed," Sai said. "He said you were sad because your nose failed the entire team. Our mission has failed because of you." Sai smiled. "I would think that you would be feeling like a failure," Sai said. "Now, let us commence with the hug."

Kiba elbowed Sai in the gut and stood, glaring. "My nose works _fine_!" Kiba said. "Asshole."

He marched out of the camp, huffing. Sai frowned, then sat down to pet Akamaru.

Akamaru whined and trotted after his master.

xXx

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Sai was guarding the perimeter when he came across a not-so unwelcome sight.

Hinata was bathing in the river; her clothes were cast aside, lying on the riverbank. Sai crept closer, ANBU-quiet and peering into the dark.

Sai didn't understand why Naruto always ignored the Hyuuga. She was not ugly and she was very nice. She never made fun of Sai. But she was always sad because she was always getting ignored.

Sai would not ignore Hinata. He would hold her like they did in Kakashi-sensei's romance books, stroking her hair and telling her that Naruto was stupid and everything would be okay.

Sai was very quiet when he crept closer.

Hinata shrieked, kunai exploding through the air. "Byakugan!"

Sai ran, tripping over Hyuuga Hinata's clothes.

xXx

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The rest of the Eight-Man team were equally as unreceptive.

Yamato kept hiding from him and Kakashi used his Sharingan to get away. Then, when Sai was absolutely _certain_ Shino would at least welcome a little friendly comradeship (since he was always left out and sulking about it), Sai accidentally went and stepped on Shino's bugs.

"Face it, Sai. No one wants to hug you," Sakura said. Sai stopped pretending to smile.

"Even Naruto-kun does not wish to hug me," Sai said. He stared up at the sky, wistfully. "My book said when a friend is sad, they respond best to hugs. Is my book wrong?"

Sakura took a breath. "Sometimes hugs can't cure everything," Sakura said. "Sai, the reason why we're sad is because of Sasuke. He isn't coming home. And if we can't find his brother, we have no chance of luring him back."

Sai looked at her, gravely. "So if Sasuke were to come back, then no one would be sad?"

"Yeah," Sakura said.

Sai looked up at the sky and frowned.

xXx

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Sai sat by the riverbank, idly doodling with a stick on the ground.

The most expedient and prudent way of handling the situation would be to hug the person that needed it most: Uchiha Sasuke.

It would be a ripple effect, going from Sasuke to Naruto, and eventually affecting Sakura-chan and the rest of the team.

Sai's fist clenched. He was ANBU, and ANBU do not fail. The stick split into two as Sai considered his options. There was only one thing left he could do.

xXx

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"Uchiha Sasuke," Sai said. "I am here to give you a hug."

The statement was evidently so jarring that Sasuke lowered his guard.

"What?" Sasuke said.

xXx

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Sai had managed to find Sasuke's camp in the murky hours just before daybreak, tracking the trail of smoke from the campfire cresting beyond the hill. Sai was ANBU; his tracking skills were five-fold those of normal nin. So it was easy enough to find Sasuke's trail.

Now they stood, staring at each other, the vein in Sasuke's temple throbbing while Sai plastered on a perfect smile.

"A hug," Sai said. "You are the last of your clan, Uchiha Sasuke. I believe a hug will make you feel better."

"Who are you?" Sasuke said. "Did Karin put you up to this?"

"I do not know who Karin is," Sai said. "But my name is Sai."

Sasuke stared at him like he had two heads. "You're mocking me," Sasuke said. Sai shook his head.

"Not in the slightest," Sai said. "You make my teammates sad. I could try to capture you, but you would make that difficult, and if you were to die they'd be even more sad. So you see this is the only solution."

Sai stepped forward, spreading his arms.

"I am going to hug you now, Uchiha Sasuke," Sai said. "And perhaps after this, your angst will be ameliorated and you can come back home."

"Teme!" Sasuke's katana slammed down; Sai countered but Sasuke whirled around.

"_Chidori._" Sasuke's hand flashed. "_Chidori nagashi!_"

Everything exploded and Sai flipped into the air, just narrowly avoiding the lightning stream at his feet.

It was Sakura who found him, badly beaten and leaning heavily against the ground. "Sai! What happened?" Sakura said. Sai shook his head.

"Sasuke-kun does not like hugs."

xXx

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It was raining, and Sai's cloak stuck heavily against his skin. Just beyond the cliffside, Uchiha Itachi was walking quietly, the rain bearing down above him and his eyes trained on the ground.

Because Sai was ANBU, and more importantly, because Sai was Root, he knew things that the rest of Team Seven didn't; he knew that Uchiha Itachi was a hero, one whom Root held in high regard. "Humility, ability, and self-sacrifice," Danzou had said. "That is the shinobi way."

Sai wished he could tell the others the truth of what happened; it was because of that act that the rest of his team were so sad.

Sai realized that if Sasuke knew the truth, Sasuke would not want to kill his brother; but Sasuke might want to go after Konoha, and Sai couldn't go risking that. On the other hand, if Itachi were the one to tell Sasuke, maybe they could come home together, and everybody would stop being so sad.

Unfortunately, Sai was too busy thinking to realize that Itachi had seen him, and dimly he realized maybe _this_ was the reason why he was trained not to have emotions. Sai struggled; the level of Itachi's jutsu was beyond that of anything Sai had ever seen. He felt the pressure of Itachi's eyes squeezing around his neck, his feet firmly planted and paralyzed to the ground.

Itachi's eyes narrowed. "Who are you?" Itachi said.

"S-sai. My name is Sai."

The death grip around Sai's neck relaxed; Sai wheezed, pitching forward.

"You are from Konoha," Itachi said. The former ANBU captain frowned. "You wish to capture me to lure my brother."

"I wish to give you a hug."

"What?"

Itachi faltered, confusion flickering briefly across his face. Sai smiled his fake smile, knowing that Itachi was ANBU, too, and therefore difficult to catch off-guard.

Itachi's eyes hardened. "I do not understand," Itachi said.

"I am Root," Sai said. "Danzou is my master."

Understanding dawned on Itachi's face. Though he wasn't Root, it was clear that Itachi had served under him as well. "Danzou has told us about you," Sai said, smiling. "You saved the village and prevented a war. You are a hero. You must be very proud."

Itachi's eyes changed, and from the diagrams in his book, Sai decided that Itachi looked just sad.

"Danzou," Itachi said. His eyes flicked upward, meeting his. "How is it you are able to talk about him? That name is sealed in your throat."

"Because you are ANBU," Sai said, smiling. "We can talk about Danzou with other ANBU."

"But I am not Root," Itachi said. Sai smiled, widely. Itachi faltered again. "ANBU," Itachi said. "No one has talked to me like this in years."

And Sai took it as the perfect opportunity.

Sai hugged him.

Then he got pecked by half a dozen crows.

xXx

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Sai was sitting on a log, depressed. Sakura walked up behind him. "What's wrong?"

"These hugs don't work," Sai said. "I suspect it is because I'm not doing them right."

Sakura sat down next to him. Wordlessly she put her arm around his shoulder and leaned him close. She felt nice and comforting, and Sai took the opportunity to cup Sakura gently on the butt.

"Goddammit! _Sai_!"

"You were making a move on me," Sai said. "I thought that's what you'd like."

"I was giving you a _hug_, because you're an idiot and I felt sorry for you!" Sakura said. Sai blinked.

"That was not a hug," Sai said.

"Moron," Sakura said, and she stood up in a huff.

Sai decided he was not very good at giving hugs.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so I realize in canon that Sai and Sasuke met before, but it's crack, so therefore plotholes get to slide (maybe he forgot? lol). XD And yes, I totally gave Itachi a Darth Vader!grip. Oops.**

**...I can't believe I wrote this. *facepalm* LOL.**


End file.
